I’ve been so busy looking down and obsessing over my tiny little steps that I’ve forgotten to lift my head and see just how far I’ve actually come.
Reflecting on where I was almost a year ago showed me that what seemed to be small insignificant accomplishments added up really quickly. They were no longer seen as insignificant. They were baby steps. I was learning.
From feeling completely helpless to feeling like I was barely crawling. I’ve finally learned how to walk with the help of others.
I forgot just how lost I felt at first. Like I had been swallowed up by something much larger and darker than I was. I lost my light and my will to keep trying. I wanted to give up so badly. I no longer knew who I was. That intrusive horrible voice so much louder than my own. Always telling me I was not good enough. I deserved every terrible thing that had ever and could ever happen. I was worthless and alone. I deserved this depression… this seemingly lifelong punishment. I did not deserve to be happy.
Today, I’m different. My voice is finally loud enough and the other one is no longer controlling my life. I’m beginning to feel like myself again and it’s so beautiful. A light in a darkness I thought I would never see again.
Those thoughts still haunt me but I’ve learnt not to dwell. I’m learning how to snap myself out of my episodes before I’m too far gone. I’m learning how to predict them and how to hold them off as long as possible. I’m learning my ticks and how to avoid them or calm them. I’m learning to breathe and relax, that I’m not being left behind and that it is okay to travel at my own pace.
These are things I could never have even dreamed of doing almost a year ago. I am so proud of myself.
The biggest thing I have learnt is that now more than ever I should not be pushing people away. I should be letting them in.
The right person/people will come into your life and teach you how to love yourself. I think it’s okay to feel broken. You just have to be brave enough to allow someone in who will help you be a better you.
It’s okay if you’re not strong enough at the moment to do it all by yourself. One day you will be. You don’t have to be as alone as you feel. Let people in. It will be okay.
The only regret I have is not knowing that early. (Also not even considering it before I rushed into medication but that’s another story)
I used to think if I can barely even stand myself how can someone possibly even entertain the thought of loving me. Truth is depression distorts our view of the world so much we honestly can’t even trust ourselves.
Opening up to my loved ones, as hard as it was, was the best thing I did for myself. Ignore that voice! All your loved ones see is someone who needs a little extra love and attention.
They are the ones who helped me realize just how wrong the voice in my head was. They are the ones who kept insisting that I was strong enough to keep trying. They are the ones who picked me up when I did not even want to get up. They are the ones who stuck by me when I did not even want to be in my own corner.
Without them I would still feel lost, alone, and unloved. I am so grateful for those who loved me when I could barely love myself. I can finally see the world a little clearer and it feels so good.
I feel like I could eventually feel normal again if I keep pushing myself. A thought that was so impossible for me to fathom almost a year ago.