At A Crossroad

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I was stuck in an impulsive episode and then had to catch up on some rest. 

It has been a Rollercoaster of emotions this week since starting this blog.  My favorite part of this blog?  Friends who are suffering or who have suffered reaching out to me and sharing their experiences. 

This is what I hoped to accomplish.  I never want anyone to feel like they’re alone in this.  You will always have someone to lean on when you’re feeling your weakest. 

My latest hill?  Trying to come off of my meds.  The withdrawal is unreal and slowly reducing my dosage has been long and difficult.  Sometimes I feel like the pain and shitty feeling of it all isn’t worth it. 

Why am I coming off?  At first they felt like they were helping and then suddenly it stopped.  Why was I on these pills that made me feel so shitty if I forgot to take them but they were not helping to alleviate my depression?  I hate feeling so reliant on something that only seems to have a negative effect on me.  I don’t want to be on them anymore and that’s a choice I feel like I have the right to make. 

Sometimes I lose sight of that silver lining.  It’s so easy to just take the medication and make the pain stop.  It feels like everything is against this choice.  I just wish I could hibernate until this withdrawal process is over. 

Nothing in life is easy.  We have to work hard for the things we want.  That’s what makes it all worth it in the end.  Looking back and knowing we did it by ourselves.  We kept fighting even when we did not want to.  We earned it. 

I’m tired and I’m nauseous.  My head hurts and my body aches.  Every move is accompanied by an unwelcomed tingle and a feeling of unease.  Standing up feels like the biggest obstacle in the world.  I don’t feel like I have the energy to overcome the withdrawal and battle my depression.  But at least I am trying.

My silver lining?  Once I am off of these meds for good I will never have to feel like this ever again.

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